Although psychoanalysis has no hard benchmark mathematically, being a process, there are certain checks that enable both the analyst and the patient to gauge the progress of the process. One is by the patient reporting their achievement in personal life in relation to friends or those closer and how their relation is going in the workplace.

This personal report can always be verified by the dreams the person has in tandem with day-to-day living.

Dreams are unerring accounts that absolutely verify personal reportage. The following development in this patient's life can be assayed by reading over a wide and long assortment of sessions and dreams over the past few years or even from the beginning of her work with me detailed in my book "The Mother's Signature".

Since people have always been curious about how analysis works, if one is so interested one can see it to be a laborious process, but ever and slowly upward and the patient alone can talk of the reward of there being a new structure of the self and consequently a new person, a new psyche that means everyday life with cheerfulness and optimism viewing all with a kind of equanimity.

The following series of dreams are presented in narrative form. It should be understood that the usual free association method with questions from me, as I have demonstrated in past essays, were the basis for this transcription.

Usually when analysts convene for meetings to discuss theory or technique, some frequently in vignettes of clinical material or at times longer pieces, these presentations may be done in a patient/doctor format, he says/she says, or they may take the narrative form. This is always from the analyst's point of view. The he/she format relates the conversation between the two and finally there is a conclusion that the analyst/presenter shares with the audience.

Here, in a way, it is the patient who is presenting the narrative of her experience of the events of her life - her encounters with the analyst and the conclusions that the analyst has drawn - but all as she recalls the experience. We, as analysts, can render understanding but in the end it is what the patient understands that is of the most importance. It is this understanding that will change his or her life internally and externally in the world.

Therefore, one can read the text much like that of a novel, the dreams and the meaning of the dreams (always derived from associations and close questions and clarifying). The reason for this collection of dreams will become apparent. They represent a nodal shift in the personality makeup of the patient, in the character, on her way to achieving a truer independence, a greater inner freedom and mastery of herself.

DREAM: August 27, 2009

I have gone to a traffic school class which is happening at my old high school. The teacher is an old friend. However, I find out that I will have to do 30 classes to complete the school. I think it might be better to just pay the fine as I don’t have the time to do 30 classes. The teacher takes a break from the group to walk with me and to talk. There is much to tell, and it is sort of interesting. He wants to convince me to stay in class. Again, I don’t know that I have the time as I must transport a small package that is oddly packaged. It is inside of a long heavy metal tube. My job is to place the tube on a rolling table with wheels and balance the table and the tube on top of it while I roll the whole thing down the hill. This is going to be VERY hard. It would be far easier to eliminate the table and just hold the metal tube with the package in my hand and walk with it. However, I have no choice. I must get the entire ensemble all the way to UCLA. I manage to get it there. I am walking around looking to find the office where it is to be delivered. I find a beautiful new upscale restaurant being built right on the campus. Very high quality food and a well known chef will be a part of it. I think that the doctors and students who will get to eat there daily are very lucky. Maybe I will come back when the restaurant opens and try a meal.

Scene changes: Now I am going to the UPS Store to pick up a tube that has been shipped to me. It was shipped awhile back. I think it was from M to me, but she is dead so that does not make sense. Did one of her friends ship it to me? Inside the tube is a baby blanket. The note says that they noticed that I seemed to like it when M’s things were being reviewed after she died. So, even though I did not bid on it or buy it, the person sending it wanted me to have it so they sent it along to me. I recognize it. I have seen it many times before. Was it at M’s house? Was it a baby blanket that belonged to my kid but that I gave to M that is now coming back to me? It is all very odd, but the blanket is SO familiar. What shall I do with it? I don’t have a baby. I really have no use for it. It is certainly not something that one would put on display. Shall I just put it away in a closet?

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

I told Dr. Bail that I was going out on a date that very day for lunch. A male friend of mine had met another man at a seminar, and my male friend thought I might like this gentleman. I had spoken to the man on the phone (Jake) a few days earlier, and he seemed nice and someone with whom I would have common interests. He was in his late 50s and was a retired chiropractor who was an author and a native of New Zealand now living in LA having just moved down from the Bay area. We made a date for lunch today.

I told Dr. Bail that I think the dream is a warning sign about this man. I think I am being told by the Unconscious that it will not be a good situation with him but will be like going backward – to high school. Besides, when one goes to traffic school, it means one has committed an infraction and must pay a price or a fine or do the new learning.

Dr. Bail agreed and said that 30 classes would mean that I would be doing a lot of cleanup if I got involved with this man. He also noted that it may be a challenge to stay uninvolved as the man will be quite persuasive and want me to get involved with him. That is why the teacher takes me for a walk and tries to convince me to stay in the class. I understood the warning signs.

We then discussed the small package in the heavy metal tube which I had to hold on top of a metal table on wheels and maneuver the whole thing down a steep hill. The feeling I had in the dream was that it was really difficult to manage this crazy set up. I said that I felt that it represented my life to date. Precarious. Tricky. Hard to manage. Somehow, I have spent literally years trying to keep things in balance, and the work with Dr. Bail has been VERY difficult, deep and challenging. Dr. Bail suggested that it is our work together in the analysis which is represented by the table/metal tube. I have had to very carefully move deeper and deeper into the Unconscious while holding balance in all things. It has been very difficult and required extraordinary courage, skill and determination. The dream says that I made it to the goal. I have gone to UCLA. Dr. Bail is associated with UCLA and even has an email address there. It is Dr. Bail’s office which I am looking to find at UCLA’s campus. That is the same way in which I find Dr. Bail in his offices in Beverly Hills 4 times per week. I am acknowledging through the Unconscious that the analysis is what has brought me to a place of great organization internally and elegance. The fine dining restaurant on the campus is the life that I am building for myself now. I will be able to eat delicious food and enjoy a beautiful atmosphere in this restaurant. Dr. Bail pointed out that this is a representation of the life that I will have first internally and then externally – a life that is elegant and delightful and continuously serving up wonderful outcomes and enjoyable moments. This restaurant is being built still… a sign that my new personality and inner life are still being built but are underway and will be ready fairly soon.

I asked Dr. Bail what is the tiny package inside the metal tube on the table? He said it was my soul. I have been safeguarding it within the heavy metal tube for a long time. The essence of me has been protected until ready to be revealed. It is delivered 4 days per week to Dr. Bail’s office for analysis. Each time we work together, aspects of my true self are revealed and encouraged to survive and flourish because every aspect of my life and my feelings and my decisions are examined in minute detail in order for me to see and understand how and why I have made the decisions I have made and how to make better more appropriate decisions. We always seem to come back to the imprint. For me, most of the decisions of the lifetime were sparked by the need to be special, the need to be loved and the need to have the gold star. Those driving needs have unconsciously caused me to make many disastrous decisions this lifetime. When my Mother unconsciously imprinted me with her unwanted unconscious material, I determined that the way to survive was to be a good girl/ a high achiever and to get that gold star. If I did all of those things, then she would love me. If she loved me, then she would feed me. I would survive. I wanted to survive. All babies want to survive at inception. I have spent a lifetime looking for the people who would make me feel special, trying to please them to get the gold star and be loved, and allowing them to dump their own unconscious material into me just as Mom did. My date with Jake would be a repeat of this same thing unless I could see it.

In the last dream, the baby blanket that M (or her friend) has shipped to me is the imprint itself. M is gone. She made many poor decisions which led to cervical cancer and to an early death. A blanket from M is not a gift that should be treasured as M made many wrong decisions in her lifetime. The fact that I am being mailed the baby blanket is a way of sending up the red flag to me that the imprint is at work. Dr. Bail pointed out that the heavy metal tube in the earlier dream protected my soul well because it was so durable and literally like a pipe. However, the mailing tube in which the baby blanket arrives to me is only paper and cardboard. Something of great value would not be well protected in such a container. Dr. Bail pointed out that it was good that I determined that the blanket was of little use to me and that it would be best to put it away in a closet. I don’t have use for the imprint, and I must now recognize that and act as my new self instead of acting (as I have done in the past with romantic flings and other situations) in accordance with the draw and power of the imprint.

DREAM: AUGUST 28, 2009

I am going to look at a litter of puppies. Am I going to buy one? Some of them may be for my friend, Robert. Another puppy may be for another Robert that I know. The litter owner does not want me to tell the whole story about the litter, but I actually know how the pups were born and how they will be raised. I know everything about them. I want to tell at least one person since it is all very exciting.

Scene changes. Now, I am in a play. I know my lines. It is opening night. It is 3:45 p.m., and I have just enough time to take a one hour nap, do my makeup and get to the theatre. I am staying at a friend’s house. It is a bit cold in the house, but it is really fairly comfortable as it is very hot outside. Besides, I can always turn on the heat since I have total control of the thermostat.

I wake up thinking “I don’t love you, and I never did.” Who is saying that and to whom is it being said?

ASSOCIATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS

My date with Jake was nothing short of amazing but in a totally unexpected way. I describe to Dr. Bail that when Jake walked into the restaurant and walked up to me in the waiting area, my knees literally began to shake. He had exactly the type of face and body shape I most like. Tall (6’2” or so), sandy blonde and grey hair, blue eyes, tanned and muscular. His hair was sort of long and shaggy and when he turned to look at the menu board, my breath caught in my throat as I thought about what it would be like to touch his hair and be held by him. Oddly, however, I did not feel sexually aroused just physically shaken. My heart began to thump in my chest. I was very happy when we sat down, but still my knees shook under the table.

As I stared into his blue eyes and listened to him talk, I heard an amazing story of his two failed marriages, his son who is a marijuana abuser, his cheating on his soon-to-be first wife with an officer’s daughter while he served in Vietnam, his thought (expressed to me on a first date!?) on his wedding day to her that he could always divorce her, his decision to marry wife #2 because she was pregnant even though he did not love her, etc. etc. Who was this guy and did he not realize that (a) this was inappropriate first date discussion; and (b) he was actually telling me EXACTLY who he was while in his mind obviously being romantic, dashing and exciting in his revelations of his adventures?

Suddenly, my knees stopped shaking. I realized that I was not turned on by him but was TERRIFIED of him. He was my Mother’s unconscious material incarnate sitting across from me. He was ready to destroy me just like Mom’s unconscious material did with the imprint. This man was part of the long line of the WRONG men whom I had attracted into my life to be a stand in for Mom and the destructiveness that she did to me unconsciously. It was a GIANT relief to see and know what was really happening. I understood immediately that I was not sexually attracted to him because I was no longer erotizing the pain of my imprint. I had always before been attracted sexually and romantically to the men who were the worst for me because (a) they were the mirror of the unconscious dumping of toxic material that I had experienced in my imprint; and (b) I was attracted to them because my way of tolerating the toxicity was to make it pleasurable and sexual, i.e., I had erotized the pain. Now, I sat with a man who had all of the physical attributes I have always liked, who was presenting a picture of his life that I could have romanticized and into whose arms (previously) I would have easily fallen for a romantic encounter. Nothing like that was going to happen for me now, and when we left the restaurant, he asked me for another date. I was not yet brave enough to say “no” so I said “yes” and that I would call or email him to make plans. I knew that I would beg off by email, but that made me more comfortable. In fact, that is exactly what I did this morning when I woke up…sent him an email saying I did not think we were a good match, that I did not want to get together again after all, and wishing him a good life. It was done.

Dr. Bail acknowledged that the person who went on this date yesterday was a far cry from the old me. This new me was warned with the red flags of the dreams of the night before what she would encounter on this date. The Unconscious was precisely correct in its prediction. Going out with Jake was like going back to my old ways (high school). Only, this time I saw it. This time, I had all of my instincts. That is the litter of puppies… my instincts and my true feelings. I recognize that my friend, Robert, who also does analysis with Dr. Bail is in touch with his instincts and feelings. That is why he is to get a puppy. I don’t know who the other Robert may be. Maybe my future mate? A man who will have access to his feelings and an understanding of his instincts and his inner world in a way that will match my own?

Dr. Bail pointed out that it is good that I know the WHOLE story of the puppies, how they were born, how they will be raised, etc. That is a way of saying that I understand myself and how I think now and what makes me decide certain ways and that those decisions will be better know as they are guided by ALL of my feelings instead of only one (the need to be loved and get the gold star). It reminded Dr. Bail of the dream that I had a few years ago where I only had one cat (one feeling) and that when a group of 12 cats showed up in the garden, I did not want to claim them. Now I am claiming all of my feelings, and they are serving me well as a good marker of the decisions to be made. I am telling myself in the dream that it is very exciting because it is. To make these types of profound changes and to make them at such a deep level is life altering. I heard about Jake. I had a dream telling me who Jake would be and whether it would work with Jake (which is would not). I met Jake. He was exactly what the dream said he would be. I was able to resist Jake, and it was easy and clear. The puppies were all working together. I made a good choice.

The play is the story of my life. I finally know my lines. The time is 3:45 p.m. which is the number 12. In the Tarot, this is the “hanged man”. It is a good card. Here is a brief summary of what the card means:

“In this state, we find the soul self-actualized. In the story that the Tarot cards are telling, the soul has come to earth. The divine will is manifesting the divine mind. The mind is controlling the emotions and desires of all that is placed within a healthy human body. That person is able to wield the sword of justice, is able to help others through the pathway of the Hermit, is able to recognize that life rotates with the Wheel of Fortune. The person is not subjected to the slings and arrows of fashion. The person is able to make their own decisions based upon their own will. They are, at this point, what modern psychology refers to as "a self-actualized person." That term can also be called a "self-made man," no longer dependent upon others for his thoughts, ideas and feelings, but able to live his own life. He does not live independent of others, nor dependent upon them, but lives interdependently.”

In this dream, I am also in control of the temperature of the friend’s house where I am staying. Perhaps I am now living more fully in the home of union. That is why I can control the thermostat and make it hot or cold. When one lives in the flow of messages from the Unconscious and listens and lives accordingly, then the person is in union. That is definitely how I feel now and have felt at many times during the analysis. Now, the sense of all of this is deeper and more my own. My inner world is more firmly and solidly based upon a profound knowing that if I just listen to my dreams and Dr. Bail’s interpretations of those dreams, I have the chance for a truly joyful life, one that is in balance that can provide me with grace, peace and love.

I do not recall what was said about the waking up with the statement “I don’t love you, and I never did”. I have had that thought in my head many times since upon awakening. Perhaps it is the imprint telling me that it does not love me. I don’t know.

DREAM: AUGUST 31, 2009

I am attending a series of classes. I am trying to figure out how to draft a certain release … what are the clauses that go into it and in what order? I think that I figure it out and complete it.

Scene changes: I am in an exercise class with my teacher Ruth. A little toddler (2 or 3 years old) comes roaming into the room wearing a red sweatshirt. I recognize him. He is a child whom I saw earlier this morning. I was dashing up the spiraling hills outside to get to this class. I needed to get to the top of the mountain where the classroom was situated. As I passed this child and his father on the roadway, I was jogging by them and accidentally bumped a little bit into the Dad’s arm. He grabbed my arm and yelled at me to stop speeding. I brushed him off and continued on my journey to get to class. He was not really hurt and I just wanted to continue on my way with as little bother as possible. He had been holding the hand of his toddler son as they trudged up the hill. Now this is the very same child. The child is in the classroom with me and Ruth. We are the only ones here. The entire school is actually empty. No one else is in any of the other classes. I don’t know what to do with the child. I look outside in the waiting room outside of the classroom, but I do not see his Dad. He is just nowhere in site. The toddler wants to play with us. At first, we try to adjust the lesson a bit to him to hang out with us while I do my required exercises. He wants to lay on the couch and snuggle up in the pillows and nap, but if he falls asleep here, I will be responsible for him. If his Dad is looking for him, his Dad will have less of a chance to find him. Besides, I don’t want to risk another confrontation with his Dad. So, I manage to get the boy up, and I gently push him out the door or our classroom and into the empty waiting room. I look once more, and I can see that the boy’s Dad is definitely not there, and I really don’t understand why he is not frantically looking for his missing son. That is what I would be doing if my child were missing. I know it is not ideal to leave the child unattended in the waiting room, but he is not really my responsibility, and I must get back to my own class. So, after I gently push him into the waiting room, I softly close the door behind him and turn the key in the lock on my side of the door so he cannot come back into our classroom. Hopefully, he will be safe on his own in the waiting room, and his Dad will come for him. It is not for me to do anything further.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

I understand that the climbing the spiraling road up the steep hill is a representation of the profound work of the analysis. It is an uphill battle to get into the depths of the Unconscious. It requires rigor and discipline. You must put one foot in front of the other and make the steps upward. It is like layering one interpretation on top of another after excavating the old ideas, beliefs, and other structures which I have laid into my Unconscious for so many years of my life. This dream heralds my arrival at the next level of my work in the analysis. I am at the top of the mountain in a classroom of only me and my teacher. There is no one else there. That is because this is about my life and my analysis... it is about my relationship with myself, and myself with the outside world. In this case, the teacher at the top of the hill with me is Dr. Bail. I am in the unique classroom of my life with my spiritual teachers. Dr. Bail’s interpretations of my dreams are messages from the unconscious brought to me through the vehicle of my dreams and delivered through the interpretations by Dr. Bail with his enormous experience.

Dr. Bail says that the little toddler is Jake… my date from the other day. The dream is telling me that Jake is like a little child. I think that Dr. Bail said that the father in the dream was also Jake. The father is annoyed with me because I bump into him. At some unconscious level, Jake was annoyed with me for not taking up with him romantically. The toddler Jake is wearing a red sweatshirt because red is the color of Mars. It is anger. That is the primary driving force and feeling that Jake harbors in his Unconscious. It is further evidence that a dalliance with Jake would have been very damaging to me. All of his unconscious anger would have been violently released into me (much like my Mother’s unconscious material violently penetrated my nascent being… remember the dream where I experienced the delivery of the imprint as being drawn and quartered). Quote: From the book The Mother’s Signature by Bernard W. Bail, MD.

Jake was also the toddler… like a little child that wants to play and have fun and have no responsibilities. He wants to curl up and nap. Like most people, Jake wants to go to sleep. He wants to be unconscious. He told me on our date that he believed himself to be a self-actualized and highly spiritual man. My dream says that he is asleep at the switch. He has the true maturity of a 3 year old. One cannot criticize 3 year olds. They are, after all, just children. But, it was wise for me not to have a romantic interlude with a baby. It was a GIANT STEP in the right direction to push the toddler out of my classroom (i.e., out of my life) and to lock the door behind him. I am telling myself, finally and at last, that I can make a good and correct decision about a man who would not be a good relationship partner for me even if he is “my type” physically. I saw the situation for what it was, I made a correct decision, and I acted upon it….all to my great benefit instead of to my detriment.

Dr. Bail pointed out all the times in the past when the dreams told me NOT to date a certain man, but I did it anyway always to disastrous outcomes. Dr. Bail also pointed out that this time I was able to listen to the dream and to the interpretations and act on them correctly. I did not choose self-destructive behavior. He reminded my that my pattern has been to work hard (as a child or as an adult), get the gold star and then go out and reward myself with “fun” that always turned out to be destructive to me in some way. Then I would have to clean up the mess that my fun brought me. It was always a double whammy… the exhaustion and misery of the hard work followed by the exhaustion and misery of the clean up of the destructive fun. This time I DID NOT DO THIS TO MYSELF. This time I was wise. This time I sent the toddler back to his Daddy and kept myself in my own life and in my own classroom with the company of the Divine. What better company is there?

Dr. Bail also noted that this dream and the red color of the sweatshirt is like telling myself that the entire story of the date with Jake is all tied up with a big red bow… it is a like a present that has been delivered to me and delivered very quickly. The first dream was on the morning of Thursday, Aug. 27, 2009 which was the day of the date. I was told who Jake would be (like traffic school and high school). The next morning was Friday, August 28, 2009 and was the day after the date, and I was told by my dreams that I made the correct decisions about Jake (I had all of my puppies/instincts). Finally, on Monday morning, August 31, 2009, I dream that I have pushed the toddler back to his Dad, i.e., I have avoided problems with Jake. In five days I have undergone the entire process and am ready to move into the next phase of my life. In my prior encounters, when I did not listen to my dreams, it would take weeks, months and sometimes years to clean up the emotional suffering and messes that I created. This time it was all tied up in a beautiful neat package with a red bow in only 5 days. In the Tarot, “5” signifies CHANGE and MASTERY.

COMMENTARY

These three dreams on successive days, spanning one weekend and a Monday, record a vivid summary of a good portion of the patient's life when these conflicts played out in small pieces and left her demoralized, aching and depressed, not understanding why she got into the emotional messes she did. In the beginning these encounters would take up to a year or more of her life. As time went by and with her understanding growing, these encounters shrunk considerably. Intermittently there would be periods of celibacy with ensuing disastrous entanglements until this first dream, which the patient describes clearly. Being without illusion she can feel truly how she feels in contrast to prior engagements which contains so much denial and erotization.

One can see how cleverly the unconscious portrays the mother's imprint via the blanket (baby blanket) and the thinking that went along with it. It is astonishing to see what the unconscious, having all of the information, can reveal to the person who is ready to hear it and, if one is ready to hear it, one may then be able to live it.

Note how Jake's character is delineated so early. These dreams, these thoughts and feelings of the patient, are what make up drama, even great drama, which is about "love" and "suffering" and "loss". Yet when we examine the elements herein contained we note what passes for love is really of an infantile nature. It is as if the world is rolling along dressed up as adults unknowingly playing out the damaged unconscious infantile selves, whether in high society - where the conversation may be more refined spotted with the literature of the day or even with the classics or the art treasures of the world and their makers - all window dressing to hide the struggles, the ancient fires burning violently or embers now and then stoked into flame and pain and depression without end, all fundamentally from the early age of infancy.

What is to be done about it, that state of being? The patient shows vividly what she did about it. The way is not easy. Is it worth it? Each person has to decide for him/herself, but let it be known there is a solution and one that makes sense as much as any scientific solution - when facts fall into place, it makes sense. With great clarity comes greater health and greater vision of one's life and for life in general.

If the imprint is not too bad, one manages life's friendships and loves not too badly. If it is very bad then marriages fall apart not being able to bear the stress and strain to which adult life subjects us all. Likewise friendships and work related situations.

Generally all relationships are built on transference. One must come to find their whole self, that is conscious and unconscious, in balance before their relationships are no longer transference relationships with all that baggage.

CERTAINLY PAST THE MIDDLE OR NEAR RATHER THAN FARTHER

CERTAINLY PAST THE MIDDLE
OR
NEAR RATHER THAN FARTHER