The patient described herein is a woman we have met before in my essays “Applesauce”, “Untold Want”, and “Mysterious Leap From the Mind to the Body”. This is a further development of the patient’s analysis and the progression of her dreams.

DREAM - September 8, 2009

I am trying to take care of all of my responsibilities and obligations. I am at home trying to figure out how to make certain dreams come true while keeping other from happening. There is a complete disappearance of a certain structure, and I am trying to figure out if I should start looking for it or just let it be gone.

I am dying. I know that I am dying. I am trying to get things ready to the extent that I can, i.e., paperwork and such. The day comes that I know I will pass away. I try to tell my daughter that I love her and I try to say goodbye to my family. I tell them that I love them. I thank them. The last words I speak are a thank you to Dr. Bernard Bail. Then I am out of my body. I am walking barefoot along a wide grassy expanse through a large greenhouse type of building made all of glass but like a large gymnasium. Then I am out in the sunlight. I can float or fly. I am looking for the place to report. I am surprised that my family members who have passed away are not here to meet me. I thought that your friends and family are there when you die, but mine are not anywhere in sight. It is fine with me. I know what to do. I do see first ex-husband’s father nearby. (In real life, he just passed away.) He seems well. I don’t know how much time has passed, but I travel back home to visit. I cannot move things in the physical world, but I try. I try to push into lamps and other things to make them move. I want to throw them around so those in the physical world will know that I am here. However, I am unable to effect any physical change on these things. I see the checkbook open on my desk in my home. I see that someone has made the entry of 154,000 British Pounds Sterling. That amount seems to have come into my bank account. It appears to be the life insurance proceeds on my life. Is this my daughter’s bank account? It is my ex-husband’s? Is it the account of the man who was my husband when I died? I did not know I was even married.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS:

The first dream seems clear to me. All of the work on my needing the gold star and needing to be loved has yielded the breaking down of that structure now in my Unconscious. I am reorganizing my internal world. That structure has been paramount for all of my lifetime. Now it is not there. It is not surprising that I am noticing its profound absence and wondering if I should find it and put it back or let it be gone. Dr. Bail says that letting it be gone would be the wise choice. I have worked hard to rid myself of it, and it is not a structure that can serve me in the future.

The second dream had a profound and deeply relaxing effect upon me. I did not like the feeling of dying. That was disturbing. But the feeling of walking through the greenhouse and into the sunlight was intoxicating and freeing in many ways. Where was my family? Why were they not there to meet me?

Dr. Bail explained that my family was not there because I have not actually died. My Unconscious is explaining that the old aspects of me have died, but I have not died in real life. I express my goodbyes to everyone and my love for them because now I am going to be a different person with a new internal world and a deeper understanding of myself, my values and my beliefs. I will make new decisions. I am expressing my gratitude to Dr. Bail because as my analyst he has guided me to this new emotional place. I understand that I could not have gotten here without the Unconscious, the dreams and the interpretations of those dreams from Dr. Bail.

Dr. Bail explained that all of the most beautiful and exotic flowers of the world can be grown in a greenhouse. The flowers represent the deepest and most beautiful type of love. This is a way of my dreaming about a new inner world for myself based upon love and fairness. This transitional walk for me is through a place filled with love. The grass under my feet is green, and I am barefoot because the grass itself is the love of the Divine. Everything is based upon that love, and the fact that I am grounded in it with my own feet is a good sign.

Dr. Bail also explained that the 154,000 Pounds Sterling is a reference to the number 10 in the Tarot (because 1 + 5 + 4 = 10). Ten is the number of the wheel of fortune. It signifies that my life is turning and that I am moving to a higher level. The Sterling is a reference to sterling silver. That is a precious metal and another good sign.

My new husband in the dream is God himself. It is God’s checkbook. It is God’s desire that the world move to a higher vibration and that the wheel of fortune now make a turn. In my work through with the Unconscious, I am coming close to a union with God, even if I don’t always recognize it.

I suddenly remember that in the dream, someone (maybe me?) is wearing a beautiful and luminescent pearl necklace? What does it mean?

Dr. Bail says it means that the silvery pearls are gems of love and a message that there will be a new world order created by God and based upon love and fairness. I say that it makes me think of the relationship between my friends both of whom are doing analysis with Dr. Bail and who will likely marry one day and have children. I tell Dr. Bail that I can hardly imagine what it would be like to have the amazing experience of being the baby of two parents analyzed by Dr. Bail….such a child would not be subjected to damaging imprinted Unconscious material and would be free to live his or her life in accordance with the Divine essence of his or her own soul. Dr. Bail confirmed that the children of my friends would be the first of the silver pearls who will transform the world. They will be the first of the new world order. They have also been shown to Dr. Bail in his dreams and are referred to as the “silver pearl children.” I say that perhaps my friends came into this lifetime together for the very purpose of doing the work of this analysis and creating these children. I believe Dr. Bail agreed that this was true.

DREAM - September 14, 2009

I am trying to make a bunch of life changes. It is a struggle to get them implemented. I am looking for support. There is a group that might help. It turns out that the clue to the answer is inside of a bag of food that I have. The clue is the name of the law firm. They say that change is possible, but I am sure struggling to get there.

Scene changes: It is a Friday night, and I am heading out of my office and home for the weekend. I go to my car to review what the agenda will be with the staff. I am in an underground parking structure having just come down from the offices in the building above. I have my arms full of work and folders and other stuff. I am trying to balance everything and get the car door open. I manage to do that and get everything inside. I see that there are some gray trousers in the back seat of my car. There is also a dirty little rag doll with no real face and a limp body in the trunk that needs to get dropped off at the dry cleaners. Maybe I will just walk to the cleaners with the little doll since it is just outside the parking structure, across the street and around the corner. I can do that and come back for the car. I believe I am taking the car home for the weekend. I don’t think I am walking home… it is too far.

Just as I start to head out of the parking structure, I see President Obama walking toward his car in the lot. His hands and arms are also very full. It is around 7 p.m. on a Friday night, and he is obviously going home for the weekend now, too. I think the cleaners are likely to still be open. I wonder if Obama is my husband. He might be because I think we are going home to the same house for the weekend.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

The law firm in the dream is one of the firms in town that has some difficult lawyers in it who are hard to negotiate with and/or get a deal done with… they make the whole process unpleasant. I think I am trying to make changes in the aspects of struggle and difficulty in my world. I do have a bag of food which indicates that I have some sustenance as I go through the change. I am being shown that using the intellect and analytical abilities like the law firm does is not the appropriate answer for me. I am struggling to use my Unconscious as the primary determiner of my actions. This is not a new theme for me. My friend says that the intellect is the handmaiden of the imprint. The imprint rules the world through the rampant power and exercise of the intellect. Smart people think that they know what to do and how to run things. Those smart people have gotten human kind into big messes all through recorded history. The true way to use the intellect is to make it the handmaiden of the Unconscious. We need the intellect. It serves an important function, but it must be the servant of the true power which resides only in the Unconscious. Until we listen to the messages of the Unconscious, the world will stay stuck like the law firm I am dreaming about is stuck.

Dr. Bail said that the next portion of the dream indicates that President Obama and I are both coming from Heaven into the world this lifetime to do our assignments. That is why we are traveling from the buildings above (which represent Heaven) and into the underground parking structure (which represents the physical lifetime). I am successfully juggling and managing my assignments. I am able to get them into my car which is my personality and my persona. Obama is having trouble juggling his. In real life, he is having trouble as the US President. He is not fulfilling his true assignments because he is listening to the special interest groups in making his decisions as the leader of the free world.

Dr. Bail said that the rag doll in the back seat of my car is the representation of feminine consciousness. It is battered and beaten which is why it is a rag doll…without much shape and without a face or expressions. The aspects of the Divine feminine consciousness have no face or substance in the world today because the world is dominated by the conscious mind, the intellect and a patriarch mentality. That is what the trousers represent… the power of the male domination in the world and the influence of the intellect in all things. I want to take the rag doll for refreshing and refurbishing at the cleaners, but Dr. Bail points out that both the external consciousness and perception represented by the gray slacks and the rag doll representing the feminine consciousness need a cleansing.

I tell Dr. Bail that the city where the dream seems to take place reminds me of New York. When I go outside to cross the street and go around the corner, it looks like the streets and avenues of NY. The dry cleaners, however, are like the cleaners that I used for many years when I was married. It was a company called “Sparkling Cleaners” in Los Angeles.

Dr. Bail said that the city is New York because something is coming to me from someone important who lives in New York. That which is coming will arrive in order to assist with the mix of change for me and for the world. Maybe this person will use his influence and money to bring out Dr. Bail’s theories into the world. The “Sparkling Cleaners” is Dr. Bail’s mind. I bring my dreams to him four days a week, and he uses his mind and the interpretations to help me to clean up my mind. The fact that this is all occurring at 7 p.m. on a Friday night is a good sign. In the Tarot, the number “7” is the number of Victory, and Friday is the day of the planet Venus which represents love. My life is moving toward victory and love. It is good that I will be traveling in my car and not walking. This means I am in control of my personality and am making changes that are consistent with these higher vibrations. President Obama does not appear to be on this same path … he is struggling with the balancing of all of his assignments and does not have access to the understanding of the trousers, the doll and (most importantly) the place in which to clean up his mind so that it sparkles with Divine inspiration…Dr. Bail’s form of analysis.

DREAM - September 18, 2009

I am trying hard to get everything done. I just cannot seem to do it. It’s so frustrating for me. I look outside, and it is raining very, very hard. It’s the first rain of the season. I needed to go out, but not in this weather.

The scene changes: I am involved in shooting a movie. I don’t think I am the director, but I am on set for all of the production. I think there is a 7 a.m. call time to shoot a sequence of people who are having a meeting together in a house or apartment. I lay down across the lap of the director because I am so tired that I cannot sit up to watch the shooting of the film. It’s almost 7:30 a.m. We have been at this since 7 a.m.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

These dreams seem to me to be a logical follow up to the prior dreams. I am working very hard in my life and in the analysis to get a new structure in place for my life internally. At the same time, I am working very hard in the outer world to build my practice, deal with my clients needs, get new clients, negotiate and draft deals, etc.

Dr. Bail said that the “very, very hard” rain represents the emotional state of the world. The world is literally crying, and the extreme rain represents the tears of pain and frustration that are being released by the mass Unconscious. People are more afraid than ever. There are more people unemployed now than there were during the Great Depression. There is no true direction for the country, and there is a profound breakdown in the family structures, the social structures and the sense that one can rely on friends, organizations and even the government itself. The rise of the Internet and the fractionalization and separation of people from one another has given rise to a sense of loneliness and deep scarcity. It is a reflection of the feeling that the baby has when it receives the repeated blows of the mother’s unconscious material…. the baby is broken into pieces and must do what it can to protect its essential self from the onslaught. The baby’s soul must fight the repeated whacking and hacking. The soul isolates itself and waits. In the meantime, the baby suffers but convinces itself that this is the normal state of being. This is where the world actually finds itself now. People do not raise their voices to question the government or anyone in authority as to WHY they must suffer the economic and social downturns. WHY is it raining so very, very hard on the world? If we are so drenched in the pain of this unconscious material, why don’t we do anything about it? The answer is because virtually everyone in the world is still dealing with their infantile trauma of imprinted material and trying to survive. Trying to survive the disastrous economic downturn is familiar to the adult because it is a re-creation of the infant’s trauma with its mother. Babies don’t fight their mothers. Traumatized adults (who are really only infants) don’t fight their employers, governments, churches and others in authority.

Dr. Bail says it is very good that I don’t go outside. It is not good for me to subject myself to the tears of the mass Unconscious and the pain that they are releasing with those tears.

In the second dream, I am so tired that I must lie down in the lap of the director of the film. I think I am very tired emotionally and physically in the running of my life. My work with the clients is exhausting, and this shift I am making emotionally with the analysis away from the gold star mentality and the needing to be loved, special and approved is even more exhausting.

Dr. Bail says that the movie that is being filmed is the movie of my life and that the director into whose lap I lay down for a rest is a representation of both Dr. Bail and God. I get relief from my life 4 times per week at the analysis. I understand what is happening in my inner and outer world, and that helps me to see how to behave in the outer world. Dr. Bail directs the analysis so he is the director in the dream. However, the ultimate director of my life (in addition to me) is the Divine Father. He fuels the life and creates the energy upon which it is built.

I noted that the movie call time was 7 a.m. That is victory in the Tarot. I also noted that at only 7:30 a.m., I need to lie down. That time (7:30 am.) is the wheel of fortune (7 + 3 = 10)….I am shifting my life up to the next level, and I need the support and comfort of the analysis of the God to help me do it.

DREAM - September 20, 2009

I am back in college. I am trying to be on the figure skating team. I practice hard. The coach is sabotaging me. He says I can only stay on the team if I skate with my left leg in the lead at all time for the next four weeks of rehearsals. It’s dumb and crazy. It means that my right leg will weaken. That makes no sense, and I don’t want that outcome. I try to follow his rules but it is hard. One night after dinner, I put on my skates and go outside to practice in the dark. I am not near the ice rink so I am practicing in roller skates. I use my right leg just a little bit to keep it toned. The coach has hired someone to follow me and film me, and I am now caught on tape using my right leg against the coach’s specific instruction. The coach steps out of the bushes where he was hiding and accuses me of cheating and of not following his rules and instructions. He is yelling at me. He tells me I am off the team. I am furious and upset. I have tried SO hard to comply with the rules, and my infraction was SO small. It is really unfair.

The scene changes: I am at a party. It is at my prior home with ex-husband at Hillcrest Road or somewhere like that….the home is fancy, elegant and large. There are two younger men (in their 30s or 40s) at the party, and they are both pursuing me romantically. One of them clearly has an agenda, but I am not sure what it is. I think he wants some sort of business advantage. The other guy is someone I have known from international television, and he wants to go for a walk with me and puts his arms around me and acts all lovey dovey with me. As we walk outside, he asks if my old company will sell him movies. I say that I don’t know… since my ex-husband and I stopped running that company together, I don’t know what the agenda of the company is, but I think that ex-husband plans to keep all of the films that he does for his own distribution organization and not give any independents or strangers the right to make a profit on those films. The man is disappointed. As we walk, I am remembering the power and accomplishment of those old company days and how thrilling it was to be a part of all of that. I had not quite fully realized that at the time.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS:

I don’t ice skate in real life. I never did. I don’t know how. I did roller skate quite a lot as a child. I loved to do that. Roller-skating and bike riding were my two big physical activities. I don’t roller skate these days, but I used to love it.

Dr. Bail suggested that my skating through life has always been on my intellect which is represented by my left leg. The right leg is the Unconscious. I have had no real knowledge or understanding of the Unconscious prior to my work with Dr. Bail in the analysis.

The coach in my dream is the internal saboteur. That is the part of me that has been keeping me locked in my intellect all of my life. I want to skate with grace and elegance in my life. That requires using both legs. But I have been handicapped all my life by being required to operate and make decisions with the intellect only. That is why I associate to roller-skating…the sport of my childhood. My “handicap” of allowing the intellect to always run the show was born at that time. The fact that I get brave enough in the dream to venture out and skate on both legs even for a moment is a way of telling myself that I am now looking to the Unconscious to help me run my world and make my decisions. The saboteur/imprint/coach jumps out of the bushes and admonishes me. However, it is okay, according to Dr. Bail, that I have broken the rules and started to skate with both the Unconscious and the intellect having a stake in the game.

In the next dream, I think the two men may be my two husbands. I am dreaming about the fact that both of the men that I married actively pursued me, and I fell in love with them. Neither man was really the correct man for me… neither was really in love with me for who I was.

Dr. Bail pointed out that the first man (in his 30s) was pursuing me but was relatively harmless. That would have been my first ex-husband. I was married to him for over 12 years and knew him and dated him for 6 years before that. He was not the right partner for me, but he did not necessarily do me any harm.

My second ex-husband is the second man in the dream. In the dream, he tricked me and wanted to use me. In real life, my time with my ex-husband did involve being used to run our business together and being expected to carry many of the emotional burdens. That is likely why the dream is set in our home. The dream shows that my ex-husband never really intended to help me or anyone else… he is planning in the dream to keep all of the films and the profits himself.

Dr. Bail says that the second man can also be my intellect. It had a powerful way of running the show, but in the end, the results yielded were not for my benefit but were for the benefit of showing that the intellect was powerful and in charge. In the dream, however, I am resisting both men. This is a way of saying that I am not relying now only on my intellect. I am not seduced by its power, charm or persuasiveness. I do, however, remember how powerful the intellect made me feel when I was running my old company with my ex-husband. There was an omnipotent aspect to that time in my life that did not serve me and kept me locked in step with the intellect and its perceived power. I am being reminded of this now to show me how far I have come in using both the Unconscious AND the intellect in making decisions for me rather than the intellect alone.

DREAM - September 25, 2009

I am drafting a contract or a release. The fee to be paid is $1695 or $1495. I am not sure. I don’t know if there is a bigger settlement payment to be gotten or if this is the money that I am paying out to someone.

The scene changes: I am back in my old house. I am only staying there as a guest, yet I am given the master bedroom to have as my own. Perhaps then I am staying longer while the owners are away. It felt so strange to see the house again…walking around and looking at all of the details and finishes on the walls, doors and windows. Our former butler/chef shows up to cook a meal only he looked like himself and someone else. It was odd. There were people all around doing different tasks and functions in the house. I just wished I could get some sleep and have peace and quiet. I wonder if there is some amount of money – either $1495 or $1695 – that I am supposed to chase up for payment.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS:

I noted in our session that it was really odd that in two separate dreams at two separate times during the night, I dreamed the same numbers…1495 and 1695. I wondered about the significance of those numbers.

The number “1495” combines into the number “19” (1+4+9+5=19). This number in the Tarot represents the Sun. Here is something about the meaning of this number:

The Sun symbolizes many things depending on how you look at it. The ancients saw the sun as the giver of life and light, and almost every polytheistic faith has a Sun God. It brings light and clarity after a period of darkness and confusion, and in this sense the Sun God is often a redeemer as well; a bringer of peace and good times after ordeals. Finally, the Sun is a symbol of steadfastness and reliability, for no matter how bleak your situation may seem, no matter how many problems you have, the Sun will still rise in the morning. All of these attributions, and more, are reflected in the Tarot card that bears the same name as our solitary star. In a reading the Sun can take on many meanings, though the most predominant one is that of success and completion. It can be a herald of joy, happiness, the birth of a child, a stable family, material prosperity or almost any other end that is positive - but above all it shows completion. One cycle is over and, before the next begins, there is a period of light and relaxation that you can and should properly enjoy.

The number “1695” combines into the number “21” (1+6+9+5=21). This number in the Tarot represents the World. Here is something about the meaning of this number:

After every obstacle has been faced and surmounted, after every path has been traveled and charted, there remains only the last step to the next level of existence - the World, the final gateway. After the union of the conscious and unconscious, the mind and the body, in judgment, all that can remain is union with the Divine in whatever form it appears to you. This journey is over and the next is only beginning. The cycle is complete at last, with the vindication of the traveler and the immortality he has gained through development of the self. The World card marks a time in your life in which one cycle is over and the next is just beginning. It represents the final achievement of all your worldly expectations and desires, and the imminent approach of new desires to follow and new goals to pursue.

I told Dr. Bail that I do feel as if a cycle is complete and that something has been attained within me. Old structures, which have defined me as a person, have broken down. A new depth of understanding has been born. I do feel as if the Sun is shining upon me and that a new World has opened up to me. I have a new way of thinking and being in the world.

I told Dr. Bail that I was concerned about being back in my old house. That was the place where I spent almost all of my married years with my ex-husband. It is a place which has always represented in my dreams my state of mania while I lived there and the improper thinking, omnipotence, terrible confusion and great stress and upset which were a part of that marriage and that time. Why would I go back there?

Dr. Bail pointed out that in this dream, I am alone in the old house without my ex-husband. However, I have the master bedroom as my own. Therefore, I am now the “master” of the house. It heralds that my internal world is more elegant, spacious and rich now…much like the physical beauty of the home. In the dream, our chef and others were doing things for me and for the house. These people potentially represent the people who will work for me when I am materially successful again in the outside world. He does not look like himself but like himself and someone else. Perhaps this is the man with whom I will make my future life in my new and spacious internal and external home.

Dr. Bail agreed that something is complete and that there is a new mastery for me in the way in which I am perceiving the world and acting upon my perceptions.

DREAM - SEPTEMBER 28, 2009

I am trying to find work. I am up for a few different jobs, but there is much competition and it is quite hard to get the jobs. I go to an outside interview, and there are a few people waiting for the answer from the potential employers. I decide not to wait. If they want me, they will call me. In the meantime, I have better things to do.

The scene changes: I am meeting my friends at a hotel where they are staying. I will stay the night and go the next morning. The three of us are sharing a room and visiting and talking and just hanging out. There is much to discuss about the work, our dreams, their films and such. We all go to sleep, and through the course of the night, all of my dreams reveal the answers and outcomes to everything I am questioning. It’s all good. There is a meeting I must attend at 10 am. I wake quite late. I start to tell my friends about a birth dream that I have just had. I was laboring on my hands and knees, and the birth was successful. There was no baby at the end, but I know that it was all okay and that it turned out fine.

I must attend the conference at 10 am, and it is now 9:30 am. I know that my appointment with Dr. Bail will be at 1:45 p.m. and that this is the most important thing. I know that I can make that easily, and I have some time. I wash my face with an oatmeal and clay type of scrub and then think about going for breakfast. I may go home first and check my email and then go on to the 1:45 p.m. appointment. Shall I skip the conference?

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

I tell Dr. Bail that I actually do have a producer conference to attend tomorrow morning at 8:30 am in Century City. I have been thinking about whether or not to miss it. Oddly, I also have an appointment with Dr. Bail tomorrow at 1:45 p.m. because he agreed to change my time to a later point in the day to accommodate my attending the conference.

I believe I am thinking deeply about whether or not the conference is a good idea for me or not. Do I just need the extra sleep? The dream says that the most important part of my day will be my appointment with Dr. Bail. I think that is true. I suppose that what I decide about the conference tomorrow will be up to me, but I will need to be sure that I am handling my primary needs before I do anything, i.e., eating, washing my face, etc.

I think the birth part of the dreams is quite wonderful. I do feel as if I have birthed a new aspect of myself. That is why there is no baby only the feeling that a birth has occurred. It has been hard work. I do feel as if I have been on my hands and knees…that is a position of balance and strength since there are four points which are holding you up and keeping you grounded when you are in that position. This dream seems to be a culmination of the many dreams of the past few weeks which have heralded the change in me. Now I am again being shown that the changes are birthed by me and are mine to keep.

I am dreaming about spending time with my friends because I am spending more time with them now. They are like my brother and sister. They are involved in the work of the analysis and are searching deeply within themselves to find new ways of being and thinking and feeling. The dream is showing me that my continued association with them is a powerful stimulus to my ongoing birthing process of myself. They are good for me.

Dr. Bail pointed out that in the first dream I am no longer willing to wait around and compete for some available jobs because I am no longer willing to do things the old way. I am distinguishing my way of behaving and thinking now from the way I used to do things. That is why I will not wait for someone else to determine how I will think or feel.

DREAM - SEPTEMBER 29, 2009

I am married to a combination of my first ex-husband and second ex-husband but mostly second ex-husband. We have rented out our home, but we now need to go back to pick up a few things. The tenants don’t know we are coming, but we let ourselves in with out key. We are supposed to be leaving on a cross-country driving vacation, but we have no money. Therefore, we will be eating a lot of hot dogs and other cheap food. That is not acceptable to me. I want cash. At the house we go inside, and I lock myself I the master bedroom suite to get a couple of my nightgowns for the road. I know I will need something to rest in. I also go and get the hidden cash stash. There are several hundred dollars there in $50 and $100 denominations.

I notice what a mess the female master bathroom is. There are hairbrushes, makeup, cotton balls and all sorts of odds and ends strewn all over the bathroom floors and counters. I have to pee, but after I do, I see a lipstick and hair curlers and a small brush and other stuff floating in the water in the toilet. I decide not to flush as all of this stuff will clog the pipe.

My ex-husband and I sneak out into the garage and try to go that way onto the driveway and out onto the road where our car is. The tenants have discovered that we are there. They are yelling at us. I tell my husband to grab some small bottles of water from the garage for the trip…he is to take as many as he can carry. We start to drive off in our clunker car, and the tenants flag us down. They have a sign that says, “We have the $7 million needed to buy this house – wanna sell?”

We stop short. I am thinking that this is way more than we even owe on the house….YEAH! I will sell for sure.

The scene changes: I am going to an awards show. I have got to get dressed to go. I am wearing a gown with a tight white bodice and a full skirt of black ruffles. It is really not the best looking dress. I wonder if I have a Judith Leiber bag to go with it? My daughter is supposed to help me pick, but she is not that helpful. Nothing really matches well. Also, I need to go to pick up my car and do some other errands on the way so using a small bag that won’t hold much is not going to work.

ASSOCIATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS

I think I am dreaming about my marriages to both my first ex-husband and my second ex-husband. Neither was really a good match. Going back and looking at the old house is like going back to look at my past. It all seemed to be okay and right for the most part when I was living it, but the dream says that my personal space (the master bath for the woman of the house) was a mess. My internal space was a mess during that marriage. It was littered with a lot of clutter and things that made no sense.

I think the lipstick, brushes and other things in the toilet are the things that a person uses to make themselves look good to the outside world. The dream says that the way I was using those things during those marriages were not serving me and I may as well have thrown them in the toilet.

I also seem to feel that those marriages left me hungry. I was doomed to eating hot dogs and cheap food. I wanted cash. These days I am not willing to make my decisions in the same way. I need to have some money. I am going back to that time in my life to take whatever was of value and carry it with me. There were lessons learned, hence the cash in the $50 and $100 denominations…”5” is mastery and change while “100” can be “1” or “10” which symbolize completion and transformation.

Dr. Bail pointed out that the husband in the dream represents my marriage to my intellect. I have always thought that being intelligent would carry me through, but my high intelligence has actually caused me to make decisions without the information of my emotions and my Unconscious. I am leaving that life behind and trying to strike out in a new direction in the dream by collecting only what I most needed from before and taking it on the road with me. The nightgown is what one needs when one wishes to rest. I have been working hard in many ways, and I do want to rest.

I am asking that my husband grab as many bottles of water as he can for the road as a way of telling myself that the interpretations from Dr. Bail are a drink from the Unconscious. They are a drink of Truth. I need as many of those as I can carry for my ongoing journey.

The clunker car represents the type of internal world I had when I was married to my second ex-husband and my first ex-husband…unsatisfying and unstable. However, the tenants have a sign that offers up $7 million to me. That would indicate that I have come to a place of victory…. I have left the jumble, confusion and messes at the old house and taken up bottles of truth to help me navigate my journey into the future.

Dr. Bail said that the awards show dress of white and black is indicative of the way in which I saw the world for many years… as either black or white. I had little in the way of deep feelings to which to connect and therefore, I used my intellect to judge things as one way or the other. That is why the fit is not so good for me in the dream and why I don’t think the dress looks good.

I don’t remember what Dr. Bail said about my daughter and the Judith Leiber bag. Perhaps this is an aspect of my young self who is trying to find a small but expensive bag in which to carry only that which is most precious to me into the future?

DREAM - OCTOBER 1, 2009

I am playing in a tournament of golf, basketball and football. You must play all three sports. I am an older Mom player, and I have had an affair with one of the teen boy players. It has not been wise or good in any way. Now I must atone for it, and I am standing out on the field having taken off my jewelry and shoes and socks and even my trousers so I am standing in a simple long jersey shirt that hangs to my knees. The coach comes over. He was mean and irritable before, but now he sees that I am sad and repentant and trying to get myself together – stripped down to the simplicity of my long jersey shirt. I put myself in his arms and lay my head on his chest as we stand in an embrace. I feel his tender presence and his gentle hold. I feel forgiven. He says, “Come on – it’s time to play.” I know now that I need to head to the locker room and get ready with the other players to come into the game. I am both relieved and relaxed, but mostly I just feel like I wish I could stand in this simple gentle embrace for a bit longer.

ASSOCIATIONS & INTERPRETATIONS

I believe I am dreaming about my tendency to fall back into being my teenage self whenever I have to make decisions in my personal life that relate to fun. My adolescent self has consistently taken control of my adult decision making on many occasions when it comes to fun and men. I consistently chose the thing to do which a teenager would find fun but for which I always pay a price. Teenagers rarely make the responsible choice. My having an affair with a teenager in the dream is all about the way in which I have become my teenage self in moments of weakness in life.

I am not doing that anymore. The last series of dreams indicate that I am not making decisions now from an adolescent viewpoint. Indeed, I am remorseful in the dream that my behavior to date has reflected a poor choice, i.e., having an affair with a teenager. I am an older Mom in the dream because that is what I am in real life. I am 53 years old, a Mother and a professional, and I have been trying for years to quell my impulsive teenager behavior.

In the dream, I am doing penance by stripping away the worldly items from my body. In a sense, that is what I have done in my life in recent months. I have stopped going out with inappropriate men. I have curbed social activities that don’t actually lead to pleasure but which exhaust me and require me to rebalance afterward. I have made better choices when it comes to issues of health and well-being. I am taking better care of myself. I have stripped away the distractions. The simplicity of standing in my long jersey with nothing else on reminds me of wearing a long nightgown. That reminded me of the dream from yesterday where I was going back to Hillcrest Road to get money and to get nightgowns for the road. I am looking to find something comfortable to wear so I can relax in a new way and make better choices as I walk into my future.

Dr. Bail suggested that the long jersey that I am wearing in the dream reminded him of a baby’s dressing gown. When babies go to sleep, they wear a simple nightgown and are otherwise naked underneath but for a diaper. Essentially, however, in this garb, they are mostly free and unfettered. That is the way I want to be in my future. He agreed that this was related to yesterday’s dream where I took a few nightgowns with me for the road. I want my future to be simple and comfortable.

I think that the embrace of the coach is the embrace of God. It was so comforting and soothing. I could have stayed there all night.

Dr. Bail said that God would not have been mean and irritable with me, and in the dream I am portraying the coach/man as being this way before he sees me repenting outside.

Dr. Bail suggested that the mean and irritable coach might be my Mother. I felt that her dumping of her Unconscious material on me as an infant and a child was a punishment. As an infant or child, I would have perceived this action by her to mean that she was irritable and angry with me. In fact, she could not help doing this to me. In the same way, her own Mother could not help doing it to her. The imprinting of Unconscious material from generation to generation has gone on since the beginning of humankind. Only by working through the material in the dreams and in the analysis can I break the pattern.

Dr. Bail did agree that the man in the dream who holds me close at the end of the dream and lets me lay my head on his chest is the Divine Father. There is nothing more tender and forgiving than His gentle embrace. When He tells me that it is time to play, it is a message that God wants for me to get into the game of my life. My job is to “suit up” and start playing and learning new things this lifetime. It is time to move into the next cycle of everything that is coming about in my day-to-day life and in my life overall as it unfolds into the future. I must be able to play many sports (e.g., golf, basketball and football) just like a person must deal with many different issues, challenges and obstacles in a lifetime. God is telling me that He is with me to comfort me and allow me to rest my head on His shoulder whenever I need to do that.

Even as I write up this dream, I can feel the incredible sense of calm and peace that I felt in the dream when I laid my head on the coach’s shoulder. Every muscle in my body relaxed, and I felt that all was well in the world. I wish there were a man in my physical world who could make me feel like that.

DREAM – OCTOBER 15, 2009

I am around my current age. I am called to a meeting with several people. It is happening around a large conference table. I don’t know why I am here, but slowly different groups are told what their function is and what next actions they are to take. Is this a meeting of the Mafia? It is some sort of organized family type of situation. It is not the Mafia, but it is clearly a very powerful group.

I am trying to figure out how to clear out my locker and other possessions at my school which seems to be nearby. It is June, and the school year is over. I take a break from the meeting to go and start moving my things from the locker. I am to make trips back and forth to my car. Other people are moving their cars into parking spaces close to the locker area in order to make loading easier. This does not seem to be an option for me. I need to walk back and forth between the locker area and my distantly parked car with armloads of things to take home. I see a young man and ask him to help me load my bike. It is in the gym locker area and is up on a rack so it must be lifted down. He agrees, and we walk to the gym locker area, and I now start unloading my gym locker which has physical activity items, gym clothes, etc.

The young man shows me that he has access to a huge locker… one with a big barbeque pit inside and large racks which contain huge sides of beef and ribs and such. Everything is hung on spits, and all of the meats are roasting and sizzling. It smells delicious. I had no idea that there was such a thing here, and I have some ribs in my locker that I was going to take home. Instead, I decide to leave them with him to either keep warm or keep cooking them. He can eat them later if he wants since I won’t have them with me.

I go back to the meeting room from the beginning of the dream. More people have now been excused or dismissed. The group is much smaller. I sit down and listen to the proceedings. Some people are being asked to board a bus. Is there a danger that requires them to be moved this way? It seems so. Someone yells “Ninja”. I understand that this means that someone is stalking the group, and it is a signal for the group to hide in the bus. The bus cannot be entered or accessed by the intruders so it is safe there.

I am not to get on the bus. I am to stay outside of the bus and remain in the meeting room. It appears that I am the heir apparent to the next major Congress of people. I did not know this, but I guess I am ready to step up. I know that my locker is mostly empty and my car is ready to go when we are done here today.

ASSOCIATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS

I told Dr. Bail that I did not like this dream very much. I felt like there was so much work to do. I did not really fit in well with the people at the table, and I did not like to be waiting and waiting to see what would happen for me.

In the dream, I was my current age, and yet I was going back to high school to clear out my locker. That did not make sense to me. The young man who agreed to help get my bike down off the high rack was about 15 or 16 years old. He seemed very nice. I was really surprised that he had this giant meat locker/oven/BBQ room right in the school. I could smell the scents of the roasting meat and could hear the sizzle, but none of the food was for me. In fact, I left my old ribs behind with the boy.

My association was that the young man was Dr. Bail and that the large oven of roasting meat was Dr. Bail’s Unconscious. Somehow, I must feel that he has plenty to eat and sustain him in his inner world and that there is plenty to share as well. The fact that I leave him some of the old ribs from my locker is a way of saying that I leave my troubles and worries with Dr. Bail during our sessions. The feeling in the dream is that I am somehow leaving my food to be kept warm and for the boy to eat if he wants. Clearly, the boy would not want to eat old leftover meat when he has a meat oven filled with fresh meats that are being cooked to perfection. Yet, the boy takes my bag of ribs and carefully sets it on the floor of the oven in the front corner. I suppose this is the way that Dr. Bail listens to the problems of all of his patients… carefully and with respect. He collects them from his patients and parks them in the corner of his own Unconscious to dispose of later.

Dr. Bail pointed out that other people in the dream could move their cars closer to the entrance of the building but that I was not allowed to do so. He suggested that my work with him in the analysis requires great effort… there are no shortcuts. I cannot move the car (my personality/my life) any closer to the cleansing. I have to do the work one dream and one interpretation at a time. That is why the lockers are being cleared out and why I must carry the armloads of materials all by myself on the journey back and forth between the locker and the car.

I told Dr. Bail that the end of the dream made me feel very lonely. At some level, I wanted to get on the bus with the others and be safe from the Ninja. Instead, I had to stay at the meeting table all by myself. As we talked, I came to realize that the Ninja was the representative of the Unconscious. Most of the people of the world are busy getting on a bus and protecting themselves from the Unconscious that they perceive as the invader. So many of my friends and colleagues actually do not have any interest in understanding how and why they function in the world as they do. They don’t have any desire to look within and to know themselves. That makes them, for the most part, uninteresting to me. I feel like my whole life is about my inner journey, and while it is frequently tiring and often disturbing, I cannot turn from it because to do so is to turn from my true self. Most people are busy navigating the outer world and have little thought about what really makes the world work as it does. They think things happen randomly. I know that is not true. I know the Unconscious determines EVERYTHING. The more I understand my own Unconscious, the more I understand why and how I make decisions. The more I understand and control that, the more likely I am to be able to understand how the world works. I can make better, more successful decisions. Things make more sense.

Every interpretation seems to uncover the truth of my life. As I look at what is underneath my thoughts and feelings, I have understanding of where those thoughts and feelings came from, and I can make different and better decisions about how to run my life. When I am lucky, compassion follows quickly. When I am mired in my imprint, I see nothing but the darkness. The people on the bus want to stay in the dark. They want to stay in their tiny confined space and be protected from the light and the Truth that the Unconscious brings. They are too afraid. They will live their lives on the surface and finally come to the end of the lifetime and wonder what it was all about. Their lives will make no sense to them, and they will feel a sense of loss and powerlessness.

In my actual life I am fighting every day to understand what is happening to me and around me. My powers of perception of the world and myself have increased dramatically. Sometimes I see things I don’t want to see. But I see them, and I cannot deny them. I may want a certain outcome, e.g., to date a certain person or get a certain client. But the Unconscious will tell me whether or not that is a good idea. My dreams never lie. Dr. Bail’s interpretations pan out again and again. When I listen, I don’t make a mess, and I am free to move to the next level of understanding.

I have a new sense of myself as a person of character and stability and elegance. I trust myself. When I don’t listen, Dr. Bail and I must suffer through a myriad of dreams, and we work arduously to clean up the messes that ensue from my poor decisions, and the messes ALWAYS ensue sooner or later. Mostly these days, it is sooner. I don’t even get a little respite. It’s like a boomerang flying back at my head. The bad decisions, which are inconsistent with the messages of the dreams, always come back at me. It is the Yin and the Yang of the universe. Push and pull. Always the balance. Even if the reckoning comes years later, and you don’t immediately see that the outcome has stemmed from a long prior event, eventually my dreams show me the trajectory of the decision and its consequences. But I have come to learn that EVERYTHING stems from one seminal event – the imprint from my Mother. To understand it and to minimize its impact on one’s life is the work of the analysis. The result is a life worth living…a life of elegance and grace and internal peace. I am not there yet. I am still cleaning out my locker. I am still leaving behind old ideas and beliefs in Dr. Bail’s office. I am still looking to retrieve my bike.

Dr. Bail said that I should allow the boy in the dream to retrieve the bike. Then I will have balance. I should also partake of the meats in the oven. They are being offered to me, and it is me who chooses to just access the scents and the sizzle. Others are at the meeting table. Dr. Bail said that some of them are the other patients who are doing his work. However, many of them are the rest of the people in the world. Everyone is awaiting their assignment and their choice as to how to come into the world. Those on the bus are wasting the lifetime… not willing to look within or to understand themselves.

I tell Dr. Bail that I don’t see anyone else at the table with me who I could recognize as doing this work of the dreams and the Unconscious. In fact, at the end of the dream I am TOTALLY ALONE at the table. Why am I “the heir apparent to the next major Congress of people”?

Dr. Bail was quiet. Suddenly, I remembered that when I was parking my car in the morning before our session, I was feeling very lonely and unloved and was thinking about my two friends who are doing this work and wondering when and how I could get them to spend time with me without talking about work stuff and instead talking about the work of the analysis. I told Dr. Bail that I feel that I don’t get my needs met with them and that sometimes I just don’t feel understood, and we end up talking about things that are unimportant to me.

Dr. Bail asked whether I ever told them this. I said I did not. He asked why, and I blurted out, “Because if I tell them that I don’t like what they are doing with me, they might not love me.”

There it was. It was out in the open. The imprint was at work. I was feeling unloved and unloveable because I was in my baby self needing and desperately wanting my Mother to love me, but she could not because of her own imprint. Consciously, she loved me. Unconsciously, I felt the brutal lack of love and the need instead to take care of her so that she would survive and feed me so that I would survive. Only if we both survived would there then be a chance to be loved. But babies cannot take care of the Mommy. No matter how hard they try, it is not possible. But babies believe that they can do it. They don’t know any better. The only outcome possible is for the baby to feel helpless, out of control and desperately unloved.

As I lay on the couch, I told Dr. Bail that something else had happened that morning as I thought about my friends and the fact that I want them to be nice to me and talk about issues of interest to me. As I was thinking about what I did not like, I was unexpectedly overcome with a viewpoint that shifted 180 degrees. Without trying, I somehow reached out into the ethers and connected with my male friend and felt what it was like to be him in recent days and weeks. I felt his pain and his confusion and his determination to make a life for himself in his profession and to create his relationship with my female friend on sound footing. Then, without trying, I flipped into my female friend’s Unconscious and felt her struggles… her incredible drive to “get it right”, her tremendous challenges with her family, and her overwhelming need to sort out her life and to understand it all NOW and get the gold star. God, do I understand that quest for the gold star. I have spent 53 years trying to earn it, and even when I do, the satisfaction is fleeting and unfulfilling.

I felt tremendous love for these two people. I felt empathy and compassion for them, and I knew that there was NO WAY they would be able to find and feel their love for me if I could not find and feel my love for them. I needed to shift perspectives to see this, and yet, I did not consciously try to shift anything. It just shifted. I felt calmer then and more able to see that I needed to be bigger and to be the love that I so much want to experience. If I “be” the love, then I will have the love.

Dr. Bail said that what I was describing is the message of all of the great prophets… Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed…. To be love and to bring love is to bring understanding to others. This allows you to have that same love and understanding for yourself. These are the greatest gifts for each and every person. To be understood is to feel loved. This is the opposite of the imprint. The imprint from the biological mother is about struggling to get love. The imprint from the Divine Mother is to know and feel that love always exists for each person, that it has always been there and that it will be there forever. The Unconscious, through the vehicle of the dream, can bring the love of the Divine Mother to each person.

The message of my dream was to keep doing the work of the analysis. There are no shortcuts. The love is there. The meat oven is full with prosperity and nourishment. Stay off the bus as it is the method that keeps one from awakening fully to the richness of the Unconscious. Allow help from others. Let them help you get down the bike and understand your problems. Get on the bike and find balance. I am the only one at the table because I must learn the lessons of love for my own life. I need to accept the help of the young man who is Dr. Bail. I am here in this lifetime to learn these lessons. I have been given all of the tools to do the work, and I need to accept the help to get to create a life of love and understanding.

DREAM – OCTOBER 16, 2009

I am pulling together music for a cue sheet. I have gone to a convention to listen to various songs that might be available for my use and to find what music I may want to use and to meet people in my industry. There is a woman who is tagging along wanting to spend time with me. I have spent some with her, and now I want to be alone. She wants to meet me for brunch the next day… Sunday. She wants to meet at 10 am. That’s too early for me. I want to sleep in. I want to go to brunch when I feel like going and not on someone else’s timetable. I know there is an outing at around 3 p.m., and I may just want to show up for that and nothing else. There is one song left to pick… I may just want to get that and go.

ASSOCIATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS

I tell Dr. Bail that I had a terrible night last night. I was supposed to have dinner with my friends, but it got screwed up because they decided to invite a friend along who had helped one of them on a project. I did not want to have dinner with someone I did not know. I had been looking forward to seeing just my friends… my brother and sister in our spiritual journey doing Dr. Bail’s work with the analysis.

Instead of just telling them to uninvite the friend, I took it all as a sign that I was not supposed to see them at all. I was already feeling extremely tired and overworked from a miserable work week and had just had an unpleasant encounter with a colleague who was unable to complete certain work I had given her in a timely and efficient manner leaving me with the mess to clean up. I had clients waiting for projects, and I had been out to so many meetings during the week that I could barely sit at my computer… the physical and mental exhaustion was overwhelming. I was not at my best, and the news of the change in dinner plans sent me into a downward emotional spiral that had already been threatening to take over and which was exacerbated by the colleague’s dumping work back on me.

I canceled the dinner and went to bed at 6:30 p.m. I lay in my bed and cried…sobbed actually. I told myself that no one loved me. I told myself that no one cared if I lived or died. I told myself that I was nothing and that my life was a waste. Even as I told myself all of these lies, I knew that they were lies. I knew it. I felt that I was split. There was the me who was punishing myself with the emotional barrage and who was living my imprint and my suffering. Then there was the me who was witnessing breaking down, knowing that I could stop it but not stopping it and waiting for my calm, centered and Divinely- connected self to re-appear.

As I sunk deeper into the abyss of my pity party, I thought about who I could call to get help. There was no one. I could call various friends or family members, but I knew they would not understand. I could call Dr. Bail, but what could he really do? I knew what was happening. I had become my baby self… unloved and unloveable. I was desperately seeking someone to love me just as I desperately wanted my Mother to love me. But she could not. After all, she had her own imprint and her own blockages as a result. And she and I were both the victims of generations of imprinted material. Now my friends did not love me either…how could they love me and invite a stranger on our date?

So, what does all of this have to do with the dream? I told Dr. Bail that I thought the woman following me at the convention was my friend. She has been needing my help with clearing music for her small movie, and she is, therefore, the only person who could be tagging along after me at a music convention. I suppose I am saying that I don’t want to help anyone with anything right now… I just want to do what I want to do and need to do for myself. I think the convention of music and songs must be my way of saying I am trying to organize my soul and my inner world… music must represent the soul in this dream. I want to do my own internal cleansing, clearing and organizing through my analysis. I don’t have the energy to help anyone else.

I told Dr. Bail that I came to a profound conclusion last night before finally falling asleep after all my crying. The culmination of the process of sorting out my jumble of feelings and emotions after all that crying was one simple thought: I don’t love myself. As I thought it last night, my breath caught in my throat and my heart stopped. I DON’T LOVE MYSELF. I really don’t. If I don’t love myself, why should my friends love me? Why should anyone? How will I ever attract a partner who loves me when I don’t love myself? I felt bereft and lost, and then I had this dream about the music convention and the woman who wanted to tag along and be with me.

Dr. Bail said that the young woman who was following me in the dream was my Divine feminine self. She was there to help me make the musical selections, i.e., the choices of my life and my soul. He said it was important that I meet her for brunch at 10 am on Sunday. I didn’t want to… I wanted to skip it. He said that I needed to take her into my world and make that part of me an essential part so that she and I both can go to a higher level. The number “10” is the wheel of fortune in the Tarot…if I meet up with her at 10 am, then we will both benefit and grow and move to higher levels.

So, I asked Dr. Bail… “How do I love myself? What do I do?” I wanted to know how he had learned to love himself.

He explained that few in the world love themselves. Most people are struggling just to make sense of their lives and get through the lifetime. They get to the end of the lifetime, and they wonder what it was all about… why did it happen as it did and what was the point? They have no idea about an Unconscious. They have no understanding that the imprint and the Unconscious governed their entire life and every decision they made. They suffered, and they struggled. They never even knew that they had an imprint that could be understood and managed and tamed. I have that opportunity. I have the work of the analysis – the only work there is to set one free from the shackles of the imprint.

When I acknowledge to myself that I don’t love myself, I am acknowledging the powerful hold that the imprint has had on me….bringing me to a place where I would sacrifice everything within me just to have the love of my Mother and to survive. How can you love yourself if your entire focus is on giving your love to someone else? Loving yourself is not the priority… survival is the priority.

By now understanding that I don’t love myself, I am able to feel the pain and the despair that comes with that knowledge. I have 12 cats now not one….the dream from several years back was about not having more than one feeling… one cat. Now I have a range of feelings and emotions. Now I feel the depth of despair at not loving myself.

From that depth of feeling and pain, something else is born… the question is no longer, “why don’t I love myself?” but “how do I learn to love myself?” I know why I have not loved myself up until now… it’s called an imprint. The question is how to change it.

When I ask Dr. Bail how he learned to love himself, he says he cannot answer this question for me. He is not being mean or stingy. He is not playing a “hide the ball” game with me or otherwise trying to make me suffer any further than I already am suffering. His answer is simple: “I cannot tell you how to love yourself because how you will do that is something you will come to over time… it will be based upon your own individual imprint, your infancy and childhood experiences and your own life experiences. You will come to the place internally that works for you. The actions, feelings and thoughts that you have from the culmination of those things will allow you to ultimately know how to love yourself. It is unique to you. It will not be the way that I did what I did. It is unique for everyone. It is the outcome of doing the analysis of every detail of your life through the dreams and the interpretations. You find out what is exactly and precisely right for you and what will give you a peaceful and happy life with the ability to love yourself and to be a loving and giving human being… a reflection of the Divine.”

COMMENTARY

The patient had completely gotten the above paragraph wrong. I wondered why since all the earlier narrative was essentially correct and, I thought, a very good transcription. I soon discovered why. She came in this morning and presented her dream but added that she did not feel well. She had begun dental work that had not gone well and had to rethink that project. She was suffering from a urinary tract infection as well. This infection was not yielding at the tail end of the medication that was prescribed. Certainly these two items would put any person out of sorts.

But there was a later dream which illuminated a great deal.

DREAM –NOVEMBER 16, 2009

She was trying to get a show all put together and mounted and was trying to get her ex-husband to sign a set of papers so that she could buy herself a new house. He was resistant. In the meantime, she discovered a cat tethered by a chain to a post underground at the old house which she owned. The whole setup was an anchor for the house, but she felt she could not leave the cat there. It was cruel to do so. She decided that she would care for the cat…she would make it special food and have it taken there every day so that the cat would be able to eat even though it was chained to the foundation of the house. She felt that it needed the same food as the other cats that lived in the house even though this cat was not actually living with them. She even determined to give the chained up cat a special flea bath in order to make it as comfortable as possible since she had no control over where it would have to continue to live. As she told about this dream, the patient commented about how much she missed her mother. She said, “Mom was a great comfort to me when I was an adult.” The patient could talk to her mother about her work and found her always encouraging.

ASSOCIATIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS

She came to see the show that was of her life but her ex-husband was not willing to sign the contract. Now she talked about a cat tied to the house that she fed and took care of and from this she explained how much she missed her mother. She said, "Mom was a great comfort to me when I was an adult." The patient could talk to her mother about her work and found her always encouraging.

I agreed recalling how her mother kept telling her to enjoy her life. But that is not the mother we are talking about. The mother of the dream, implicit in the house and the tied up cat, was the mother of years ago and the mother who unconsciously gave her the imprint "I do not love myself". When you stop buying an identity your mother gives you that you are unloveable, you will then come to the love you have for yourself. The dream and associations imply that she is asking for her mother and since it is near her birth date the mother that comes is the one who gave her the imprint. After all a grown woman doesn’t need her mother, so imprint consequences are maintained by the patient from both the internal mother and her fetal self. As of this dream she is unaware that she has bought the scenario. The fact that the ex-husband (mother) does not sign the contract is a confirmation that she cannot really watch “the show” of her life. Obviously there is more work to do at this earliest level of life.

Patient: The idea of cutting myself loose from her makes me afraid I will just fly away into nothingness. It scares me.

Dr. B: What you need to understand is that you are identified with this mother that did not love you before and after your birth. It is this identification seen in the dream as the cat tied to the house. That makes you unhappy for if you do not love yourself you are then compelled to go out to find a man who says he loves you. But that does not answer the question or give you peace of mind that can only come from you first of all loving yourself. When you express this dread of flying off into nothingness it is the infant you who feels and is convinced that without your mother you will end. I can see that and it would be age appropriate, but at this age it spells a regression from your age today to being a baby and a young one, a newborn one.

Patient: I see and I understand… when you spoke yesterday of my eating the piece of pie the other night and feeling that it still did not satisfy me because I was looking for emotional satisfaction and feelings of being loved. I really got that. I understood. I have lived it.

Dr. B: I am glad you do understand. But you also need to understand that this complex is essentially that you as mother and you as baby, in your mind, keeps the fear going, keeps the self-love from happening. It is said by the mother in the dream, your ex-husband, who won't sign the contract and by you, the baby, who fears releasing the mother. The end result is no happiness. No matter who loves you or who gives you whatever, the essential love for yourself is missing and that is the primary event in every life that is needed in order for the life to be a happy life.

December, 2009